(How to keep the love alive in your marriage)
The divorce rate is incredibly high in the western world. Further, many are choosing not to get married at all because of the pain of divorce. The thinking is if you’re not committed, but just play house, you can’t get as hurt. Therefore, I thought it worthwhile to share some truth and wisdom on how you can keep the spark alive in your marriage.
Far too many refer to love as a feeling or an emotion alone. I hear things like, I don’t love him/her anymore. Or, we’ve lost the spark. Or, I’m not happy in my marriage anymore. All of these statements and many others like them are referring to the feeling of love – the emotion. But what people forget is that the feeling of love comes after the work of love. I tell people, if you don’t love your spouse, than love him/her. I get a lot of confused looks from this statement. What I mean by this is, show your spouse love through your actions and you’ll be surprised how fast the spark comes back; how fast the feeling of love returns.
The trick though is to show love the way your spouse will interpret it as love. I once read about an older couple who had been Married for several decades. The wife complained that her husband didn’t love her. So she said, “we need counseling.” In their first session the husband reported. “I do the dishes for her, I weed her flowers, I help her in every way so she can rest and her arthritis won’t bother her. I just don’t understand why she claims I don’t love her.” Now this man was giving service to his wife. He was showing love the best he could. But the wife didn’t interpret it as love. She complained, “we never spend quality time together. I want to do things with him. Be with him.” You see, the husband’s love language was “service” and the wife’s love language was “quality time”. So the wife didn’t feel loved even though her husband showed her love the way he understands love, through service. According to Dr. Gary Chapman There are 5 love languages: 1) quality time, 2) service, 3) gifts, 4) words of affirmation 5) physical touch. Learn your spouse’s love language and speak it often! I’ve been fortunate that I naturally speak all 5 love languages. I’m a real oddity. But it has served me well as a husband and father of 10. Even before I learned about the love languages, I spoke the love language of my wife and children often enough just because I spoke them all. It was by chance that I’d speak their love language enough for them to feel love.
I remember reading of another woman who was very unhappy in her marriage. She tried to get her husband to go to counseling with her. He refused. So she eventually went by herself. Because she was so unhappy in her marriage, she had zero desire to have marital relations with her husband. Which caused the husband to feel unloved. After several sessions the therapist suggested that this wife go ahead and have marital relations with her husband. Because she was a Christian woman and believed in love as sacrifice, she understood the request. But, it was not easy for her. She was having sex with her husband solely for his benefit. She got nothing from it. However, something amazing happened. Once the husband began to feel loved, he reciprocated. And the wife started to get her love needs met as well. I’m not suggesting this will work with every couple. But I am suggesting that if you feel the love is lost in your marriage, show your spouse love the way they will understand it and receive it as love and rather quickly you’ll both be getting your love needs met.
There must be high levels of communication in marriage for your love and love feeling to grow. I ask my wife on a regular basis, “what can I do to make your life better”? Then I go and do the thing or things she has requested. (Men, don’t ask this question unless you’re willing to do the things your wife requests. If you don’t follow through it will have the opposite effect.) You will most likely be surprised by her requests. It might be something like, clean the garage; or take the youngest child each night and bathe them and put them to bed; or it might be, turn off the sports channel and engage with the family after work each day; or it might be, take me on a date each week. However, I’ve done this so many times that now it’s common for my wife to say, “just keep doing what your doing. Or, I can’t think of anything.” In case you’re wondering, this is code for, “I feel your love for me and I’m very content and happy with that love.” In other words, “you’ve won the best husband in the world award.” If husbands will do this one thing, they will become the knight in shining armor that their wife believed they married in the first place.
My wife has told me many times over the years, “if men would treat their wives as queens, we would give them the world!” She’s right! Treat your wife as the queen she is and she will love you so deeply that she will do anything for you, unless that something is out of line with her royalty – her divinity. It often amazes men what their wives want from them. A woman will be deeply endeared to her husband if he is kind to the children. If he speaks kind words and tones to his wife. Women, as a rule, don’t do well with harshness. The way men talk to other men even in jest does NOT work on women. It turns them off as fast as a lightly strike goes dark. They will feel wanted and admired if their husband will tenderly touch them when he walks by. She will be in awe of him when she sees him act with integrity and honesty. When he treats a stranger with respect and kindness. When he stops and helps someone on the side of the road. She will feel that you are the strongest man on earth if you will lead out spiritually in the home. Pray with her. Gather the children and have family pray. Share truth from scripture and read them with your family. I often gather the family, including my married children, and share scriptural truths with them. I open it up for discussion and get their input. These are meaningful experiences that all look forward too. She will feel endeared to him if he will hug her and say, “thank you for being the best wife in the world. I love you!” She will feel special if you will kiss her tenderly when you leave the house and when you return. It’s a bonus when you do that in front of the children. But that’s for another article. Further, women respond with great tenderness, when their husbands open up, are being vulnerable, and share their innermost feelings. They will feel a much greater connection and attraction to their husbands when they confide what’s in their hearts! When a man does this, and he’s sharing pain that involves his wife, the wife needs to be very careful to truly listen and not get defensive. After all, he is treating you, at that moment, as his truest confidant.
Further, if you want to keep the love alive in your marriage, go on dates each week. Go on quarterly overnights without the children. Go on a vacation for several days each year with just your spouse, assuming your children are old enough to be left with their grandparents or another trusted source. We didn’t start doing these things until our oldest was 12. The point is, men, romance your wife! Too many men feel that after they are married, they have won and don’t have to do the things that endeared their wife to them when they were dating. This is one of the biggest reasons that so many women are unfulfilled in their marriage and why many men feel marriage is a drudgery. But it doesn’t have to be that way! As I mentioned earlier, if men will treat their wife as a queen she will give them the world. It’s so easy to do! So why aren’t more men doing it?
When a man woo’s a woman and they marry, the work has just begun! You have to woo her the rest of your life. Love is work. Anyone who tells you differently is selling you something. Buy your wife flowers for no reason. Send an “I love you text” in the middle of the day. Write a love note or many love notes and hide them throughout the house for your wife to find. I recently started writing love poems for my wife. I didn’t think I knew how to write poems. And I still don’t, but at least they rhyme so I do it anyway. And she loves them! My wife has a small chalk board on our dresser. It has a beautiful wood stand and has an intricate shape. We write little messages to each other on it – little love notes. The florist I’ve used for years seems amazed that I give my wife flowers for no particular reason. She often reported that she didn’t think her husband liked her. Then the last time I saw her she told me she is no longer married. After nearly 30 years of marriage, she is now divorced. How sad! I believe all marriages can be loving and committed relationships that last forever. But you have to be willing to do the work.
Women, do the things for your husband that he will interpret as love. My wife sets out my clothes each morning. Makes my meals and brings them to me. She makes sure I have a lunch when I leave for work. These little acts of service send a clear message, “she loves me.” I interpret these acts as love because that’s what I saw my mother do for my father. Everyone has ideas like this, whether accurate or not, they are real. So ask your husband what you can do for him to show him love. Or, if things are tense in your marriage, what does he complain about the most? Start doing or stop doing that thing and you will see improvement in your relationship because he will feel that he is being heard and that you care. These things my wife does for me are little things that don’t take much time. But they mean a great deal to me! Most of my married daughters don’t do the same things for their husbands even though they saw their mother do them for me. But they do other things for their husbands that are meaningful to them. What surprises many couples is how the small and simple things make such a huge impact on their marriage, their spouse, and the feeling of love they have for each other. In reality there are no small and simple things when it comes to love. Because the little things can and do make such a huge impact. Do them in your marriage and watch the love grow!
(G. Dean Wessendorf – © 2020)
Beautiful! Great advice!