(Sex outside of marriage does NOT promote love within the marriage!)

I would hope that most people who read the title and subtitle of this article would think to themselves, “Duh, of course that’s true”.  But after reading several articles that claim that up to 70% of married women have affairs and up to 72% of married men have affairs, along with a couple specific articles I’ll mention next, I feel that I have no choice but to share some truth and wisdom.  

Several days ago while doing research, I came across a couple of articles that weren’t as they initially seemed. While reading, at least, parts of them, I became nearly overwhelmed with sadness for the people in the stories.  One article talked about husbands who desire to watch their wives having sex with other men.  In another article a woman approached her husband and said, “I think it would be fun to [have sex with multiple men at the same time]” She actually used the slang term for this action. But I find that term so offensive, I’ve chosen not to include it in this article. 

I asked my wife and my adult children what they thought of the actions of these I just mentioned. The answers ranged from;  Eww, to Gross, to disgusting. It’s been several days since I read those articles but I’m still overwhelmed with sadness for these people. Several times each day, I find myself fighting back deep feelings of sadness and even tears. On multiple occasions at work, I just dropped to the floor and sobbed like a baby. I’m not sure exactly why this has affected me so deeply.  Apparently these men and women aren’t sad for themselves.  (Not yet at least. There will come a time that they will feel deep sadness for their actions. There is always a reckoning.) But maybe that’s the point. They are so far removed from their true spiritual self that they don’t know that they’ve lost their light and are in a vortex of darkness! Or maybe it’s because I’m a father of 10 children, 7 of them precious daughters,  and I’ve spent my adult life protecting and providing for them and couldn’t even imagine them being so grossly defiled! Or  maybe it’s because I’ve been married to my sweetheart for well over 3 decades and have cherished our life together and most notably, our fidelity to each other and our deep bond created as a result of that fidelity.  Or maybe it’s because of my deep respect and honor for women in general. They are precious daughters of a Heavenly King, they are truly princesses, and to have a princess defiled is overwhelmingly sad!  I suspect  that the answer is: all of the above.

You’re probably thinking the same question I’ve been thinking: “Why would they do that?” Apparently someone decided to ask men who allow their wives to cheat why they do that. The answers varied from, “I want my wife to have a great sexual experience. (Here’s a crazy idea. Why not give your wife a wonderful sexual experience yourself. After all, she married you. She must have wanted to have sex with you.)  To, “I want to humiliate my wife.”  (This is just mean spirited!) Several of the respondents reported that they like the humiliation it brings to them that their wife is having sex with other men.  REALLY? (Hmm, get professional help. There’s no need for you to  defile yourself and your wife!)  Other men reported that their wife is the hottest women they know and she can have anyone but picked them.  “I get great satisfaction knowing that she can sleep with anyone she wants but she still comes home to me.”  Wow! (I have no words…)  When I was young we had a saying that went like this: “Eat your heart out guys, She’s mine.” Now, apparently the saying should go like this: “You can have sex with my wife, but she’s coming home to me afterwards.” What the….?!   Other men claimed that while they are with their wives sexually they are so focused on giving her a good experience that they don’t get the opportunity to see her reactions and facial expressions.  Men are visual  and I can understand how a husband would like to see her expressions. But you don’t have to defile her to see her reactions! (My Gosh!) (Here’s an idea, video your wife while you’re with her and watch it later.) (I understand that this suggestion might be uncomfortable for some readers. But it’s certainly a much better option than adultery!) No matter the reason these men give for their actions, the real reasons are much different.  1) These Men and their wives have made sex all about the physical. Therefore, they have to escalate it over and over again to get more excitement  in the hopes to find what they are looking for. (I explain this more in my blog titled, “What Sex Was Meant To Be”.)  2) These spouses do NOT love each other!  And their shams of a marriage will not last! No man who loves his wife would ever think about her with another man, let alone encourage it. No woman who loves her husband would become an adulterer . Even if it was approved or encourage by her husband.  If I asked my wife to do something like that, she would leave me faster than The Flash can run around the block.  That’s NOT love, It’s just Lust and perversion!  It’s adultery! And, do I have to say it? It’s a complete and utter mockery of marriage!! 3) These men have a mental illness. In which case, they should seek professional help. Most likely the answer is a combination of all 3. It’s fascinating that these people tout their commitment to their marriages and their love for their spouse and their children. All carefully created lies to justify their lust.  I don’t know who they think they are fooling! Most likely it’s an attempt to fool themselves. Further, these husbands do not respect their wives or themselves. These wives do not respect themselves or their husbands, to say nothing of honor!  It’s impossible to have love and respect for a spouse while showing indifference and disrespect to him or her! 

I think what makes me the saddest, is that these women have divorced their true nature. They have defiled themselves in the most destructive way. You see a virtuous woman (all women are born virtuous.) needs to have, at a minimum, the following in order to have a good sexual experience. 1) Deep emotional connection with the person they are with. 2) Security, 3) Privacy, 4) Exclusivity.  What does that sound like? Marriage!  A covenant between a man and a woman and God. A lifelong, even eternal commitment to each other.  For over 6 millennia society has recognized the importance and sanctity of fidelity in marriage and chastity outside of marriage. It’s only been since the late 1960’s that society has cast aside time honored virtues for “Free love”. But what’s ironic about this is that it’s neither “free” nor “love”. Instead, it’s  overwhelmingly “expensive” to individuals, families, and society as a whole! Further, It’s just “lust” not love.  James, the brother of Jesus tells us of the damage done from lust:  “But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished bringeth forth death.” (James 1:14-15) That says it all. When we give into our lusts, we sin and sin brings forth death. Death of our spiritual light and eventually if not repented of, an eternal death or permanent separation from God forever! The irony is that those who make a mockery of marriage and violate everything it stands for will lose their ability to have sexual relations in the eternities. But those covenant keeping couples will have that sacred privilege throughout all eternity.

Love is an action. If you look up the word “love” in the dictionary, (my favorite one is the 1828 Webster) you will see “love” classified as a “verb”.  To illustrate this point, let’s look at the love a parent has for their child. Most notably the love a mother naturally has for her child. I’ve watched my wife give birth 9 times. (One of our son’s came from Ghana) and each time, even before the child is born, she has a deep motherly love for them. What does that love look like? She will do anything to nourish, nurture, and protect them.  She will even protect them from me if she feels I’m a threat to their peace and happiness or to their self worth or health. I’ve watched her stay up during long nights to care for a sick child. Once we had 2 small children with whooping cough at the same time. This lasted for 2 months and my wife didn’t get much sleep during those months. She sacrificed her own comfort, her own health, her own sleep for her children. She even sacrificed that for me. I’ve never slept well and all through our marriage, if the babies or small children needed something in the middle of the night, my wife would leave our room to care for them so I wasn’t disturbed. That, ladies and gentlemen, is love! Someone who will sacrifice for the betterment of another.  A husband who asks his wife, or agrees to allow his wife, to have affairs does NOT love her! Paul tells us “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it”. What does that mean? It means that love for your wife is a prerequisite even a requirement to marriage. Further, it means that love and sacrifice are synonyms.   What is the definition of sacrifice? It means to give up something you want right now for something much better later on. Like a wise couple who sacrifice the expensive cars and toys so they can put more money into their retirement fund. Thus becoming millionaires before they retire.  It means, husbands, that you can and should sacrifice your lusts and perversions for your wife. Further, It means for you to protect her and her virtue with your very life, if necessary!

What does love look like in a marriage?  Love in marriage is unlike any other kind of love. It is exclusive. It is bonding beyond words or even understanding. It is nurtured through commitment, trust, honor, integrity, sacrifice, and fidelity.  (See my blog “True love in marriage”) There is nothing more extraordinary and meaningful than a man and woman who have saved themselves sexually for their spouse and who are exclusive throughout their marriage. After nearly 35 years together, my wife and I have a deepened love that cannot be described in words. Only those who live similarly can understand this love! And after all these years together, our sex life just gets better and better- we’ve grown into our sexual relationship together without outside experimentation, without external influences or baggage, and without the damage comparisons can bring.  You might say we’ve grown up in every aspect of life together. Our bond gets stronger and stronger and our fidelity to each other  strengthens our marriage, it does not detract from it!

 Let me quote Matt Walsh from the Daily Wire.  An article he wrote in Jan of 2018 titled: There’s  No Such Thing As An “Open Marriage.” That’s Just Adultery.

“A marriage can’t be “open” for the same reason that you can’t build a house without walls or a roof. The walls and roof are the whole point of the house. Get rid of those and now you’re homeless. A blanket laid out on the pavement is not “an open house” or a “new house” or a “Consensual non-walled house,” it’s just not a house. It’s a non-house. It’s literally the opposite of a house. And if we start calling that a house, then we haven’t expanded the definition of a house but, instead, done away with the very concept of a house entirely.”

Another question comes to my mind. One that I’d like to ask the Women. “How could you do that?!” No one has polled these women so we don’t know what they would say. But some have speculated that they do it to gain the power in the relationship. I certainly can see how they would have the power after this. But that just proves my earlier point that they don’t love each other. In a marriage you’re supposed to be equally yoked. There is no imbalance of power. You are united on all fronts and equal partners. Others speculate that because women can be highly sexual beings, they need more excitement and more sex than men. So they do it for the sex. But again, that proves my earlier points as well.  However, if you are in a loving committed marriage, you don’t need more sex or excitement. I know this from talking with my wife and my adult daughters as well as other virtuous women.

I asked my wife and many of my adult married daughters what it would take for a woman to get to the point that she could, 1) have sex with a stranger, and 2) enjoy it, and 3) even orgasm.  None of them could answer. All of them were repulsed by the idea!  All virtuous women And men are.  Here are the most likely causes.  1) They’ve masturbated many times since puberty. 2) They’ve had many sexual partners in their life and most likely several “casual sex” encounters.  3) They’ve viewed porn on more than a few occasions. 4) They have most likely at least experimented with group sex or wife swapping. These previous activities have caused them to resign to the idea that sex is just about  physical pleasure. In case you’re wondering, all of these are extremely destructive to our spiritual nature and our healthy sexuality. They can and will destroy us. (See my article titled: “What Sex Was Meant To Be.”) Further, it is most certain that these people consume large amounts of alcohol and/or drugs. Once you decide that sex is for nothing more than physical pleasure it is easy to take it to the next step of perversion.  In fact, these people I read about and others like them have relegated sex to be nothing more than masturbation with a partner.  The so called sexual revolution along with the feminist movement  has turned many women into nothing more than prostitutes.  The feminists claim that their sexuality gives them power. But all it has done is make them lose their identity as the fairer sex; the precious daughters of a Heavenly King;  the saviors of mankind, and relegated themselves to be only sex symbols to be used, abused, and then cast aside like a dirty sock.  The first couple I mentioned in the second paragraph, along with others like them have made the wife into a prostitute and porn star, (not that there is such a thing as a star of porn. But you get my point.) while her husband is her pimp and manager. That’s NOT a marriage! That’s the grossest of lust and perversion! No matter how you slice it and no matter the reasons given by these couples the answers are clear! 1) They believe that Sex is just for physical Pleasure. According to them, It is not a sacred bonding experience reserved for husband and wife that bonds them mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. 2) They don’t love their spouses. No matter how much they tout otherwise. 3) They don’t respect or honor their spouses. 4) They don’t believe in the sanctity of marriage. Marriage to them is not marriage at all. It’s just playing house. 5) They have become perverted.   Again that’s not love or commitment, it’s just lust and perversion!  Further, sex outside of marriage, no matter how that looks or whether it’s consensual,  does NOT promote love and commitment within marriage!

 Some Say Sex is Just For Fun

Some say sex is just for fun
as they jump from bed to bed
But what they seem to misunderstand
is that sex is reserved for those who wed

They say, that sex is only for their pleasure
friends with benefits is all they claim to need
So they study sex as they would a trade
To be admired for their delight becomes their creed

Watching porn, they say, will make it so much better
Always looking  to add more zest
With each encounter they increasingly digress
Until Satan has them firmly in his grasp

They explore for years and sometimes more
Searching for ever increasing plenty
Men hunting for the thrill of their unveiling
While women, after sex, feel completely empty

It cannot be developed with another
It cannot be discovered where they look
It cannot be found with more excitement
It cannot be unearthed in a book.

You see, sex without complete loyalty
is nothing more than selfishness
It cannot produce the bond they seek
Carnality, ironically produces only loneliness

God ordained husband and wife to be as one
To bond them emotionally, physically, and spiritually too
A bond that cannot easily be broken
Faithfulness and loyalty is the eternal glue!

Always be true to your spouse
whether you’re married now or not
Being faithful is the key
Save yourself and win the jackpot!

Don’t be a fool and search in vain
Having sex is not a toy!
Instead, find the one who makes you laugh
Be true to him or her and you’ll obtain eternal Joy!

(G. Dean Wessendorf – © 2020)

 (For a deeper understanding of the meaning and joy of the sexual relationship in marriage, See my blog titled “What Sex Was Meant To Be” and my blog titled: “Marital Intimacy a Gift from God”)

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