(Marital Intimacy is intended to bond husband and wife together in the deepest and most meaningful way.)

Every married couple should know about the glory and joy of marital intimacy. However, it seems clear that this subject has a lot of misinformation in the world and the church. Therefore I thought it prudent to share some truth and wisdom on the subject. 

I’m fascinated by the extremes in the world today. One that perplexes me the most though, is centered around sex. The world perverts it and too many followers of Christ fall short of understanding it.

Either extreme, falling short of the mark, or perversion, precludes couples from experiencing the joys of marital intimacy. What’s fascinating about these extremes is that they even exist at all. God has made it pretty clear what is and is not appropriate as well as what produces joy within the sexuality he has placed within us. When it comes to sexuality, in the world anything goes and the “professionals” perpetuate this by writing about the so called benefits of masturbation,  watching pornography, and casual sex, to name just a few. But the misinformation is not just in the world, it’s even within the church of Christ where, frankly, it just should not be. If we understand the gospel of Christ, we should understand that God not only sanctions marital intimacy, but he encourages it. But, he has set the bounds as well and those bounds should never be crossed.  Never. However, within the marriage covenant marital intimacy is grand and glorious if we understand its purpose and meaning. 

Wendy Nelson, retired Professor, marriage counselor, and wife of a prominent religious leader says this about marital intimacy:

“As an important part of the expression of their love, the Lord wants a husband and wife to partake of the wonders and joys of marital intimacy.” The wonders and joys of marital intimacy, what a wonderful way to put it! Even though this type of message has been given to each generation within the church, there is still a lot of misunderstanding about the role of sex within marriage. Some of that misunderstanding comes from our desire and commitment to be chaste before marriage. This message has come through loud and clear, “Please, never say: ‘Who does it hurt? Why not a little freedom? I can transgress now and repent later.’ Please don’t be so foolish and so cruel,” apostle Jeffrey R. Holland said in an October 1998 talk on “personal purity.” “… You run the terrible risk of such spiritual, psychic damage that you may undermine both your longing for physical intimacy and your ability to give wholehearted devotion to a later, truer love.” The message of chastity can NOT be understated. But please don’t confuse this message with the following, again from sister Wendy Nelson, “Marital intimacy is ordained by God. It is commanded and commended by Him because it draws a husband and wife closer together and closer to the Lord!”

Chastity before marriage does not preclude joyful martial intimacy.  In fact it enhances it! How did this get confused? I recently spoke to my wife about this. We grew up in a time when speaking of sex was taboo. However, neither my wife nor myself had any misunderstandings about it being a joyful part of marriage. And when it’s done within the bounds the Lord has set, it is more glorious than anything else we know of. Unfortunately the world has corrupted it so much that it has been relegated to be nothing more than physical pleasure that can be done with anyone, anywhere, anytime. The world view depletes the sexual experience to be shallow and hollow. It has no meaning and it is based in lust – selfishness. However, “ True marital intimacy involves the whole soul of each spouse.  (See my blog on “What sex was meant to be) It is the uniting of the body and the spirit of the husband with the body and the spirit of his wife. That soulful union represents just how united a husband and wife are in all areas of their lives.” (Wendy Nelson) 

While the world relegates sex to just the physical, the Lord designed marital intimacy to unite and bond husband and wife emotionally, mentally, physically, and most notably, spiritually. Wendy Nelson calls it a “soulful union” this union when done correctly unites husband and wife so deeply that nothing but sin can separate them. Chelom Leavitt, a professor in Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life said, “Understanding of our own doctrine should make us feel pretty open and positive about sex.” She goes on to say,  “[our doctrine] is really quite positive towards the whole sexual relationship of husband and wife. … It’s not just two bodies connecting with each other. It’s about this deeper purpose.” What is that deeper purpose? It is to unite husband and wife so they become ONE. God tells us in Genesis 2:24-25, “[man] shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” The sexual relationship between husband and wife is nothing to be ashamed of. It really is glorious and beautiful and unites husband and wife. It’s a way for them to truly become one. 

The church handbook for priesthood leaders states: “Married couples should understand that sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation, but also as a way of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife.” This is church doctrine. Yet I know of couples who believe that sex is for procreation only. How sad! These couples are missing out on the wondrous and joyous blessings that come from uniting together in marriage. Others need therapy to help them understand that sex within marriage is not sinful and was meant to be pleasurable, meaningful, and glorious. Again from sister Nelson, “[Husband and wife] work together as partners. They pray, play, struggle, grow, and enjoy life together. They sacrifice for each other and encourage each other to be all they were born to be.”

She continues: “For true marital intimacy, the Holy Ghost needs to be involved. It is simply not possible to have the kind of intimate experiences outside of marriage that you can have within because the Spirit will not be present. On the other hand, anything that offends the Spirit will decrease your ability to be one with your spouse. Things such as anger, lust, unforgiveness, contention, immorality, and unrepented sin will reduce your attempt for marital intimacy to be something that is nothing more than a sexual experience.” This is why chastity before marriage is so important and why lust is so destructive! We must be able to have the spirit with us in our marriage and our marital intimacy. And we need to be guilt free and uninhibited as well. Chastity before marriage makes this possible. But we must understand that just as chastity is divinely appointed and therefore, good, marital intimacy is also good because it is divinely ordained and is intended to bond husband and wife together in the deepest and most meaningful way. Further, it bonds us more to God as well. When done as ordained by God, in the spirit, It brings us the closest to Godliness that we can achieve while on the earth because it opens us up to feel pure love.

(G. Dean Wessendorf – © 2020)

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