(Learn what real love is and is not.)

It appears that with the high divorce rate theses days along with the low marriage rate, true love has become very elusive for the masses. Therefore, I thought I’d share some truth and wisdom. 

As an orphan who lived in 10 different homes between the ages of 12 – 18, I learned what true love was not.  Every family I lived with told me how much they loved me. But as soon as my presence cramped their style, as soon as my idiosyncrasies got under their skin because mine were different than theirs, I’d be given the boot. Many times, all on my own, I had to find another family to live with or be homeless. Now I should probably make it known that I was a pretty good kid! In fact, most people who knew me then would say I was an exceptionally well behaved youngster. I certainly made mistakes. And I’d say I was a typical teen that would rather play than work. But I didn’t really cause trouble. In fact, I tried to avoid trouble. 

It was my wife who taught me what true love really is. Because of her love, and the natural  love I have for my children, I began to understand the love God has for me. Which is the purest form of love in the universe. 

True love is: selflessness, commitment, honor, respect, loyalty, sacrifice, and fidelity. This is also the requirements of marriage. It doesn’t cut and run at the first sign of trouble,  or even through very difficult challenges. In other words, love is a verb. It’s an action. If you say you love your spouse then the proof is in the pudding – your actions. 

Love is selfless. NOT selfish: 

Far to many married people are so wrapped up in themselves that they can’t love anyone else, not even their spouse. But true love means you think of your spouse more than yourself. You want to do anything and everything to make your spouse happy. You ask your spouse for their input on everything that involves the family. You make no decisions without him/her. You no longer think of yourself as a single person. But you think of yourself as part of a unit. 

Love is commitment. NOT Apathy:

Commitment means you’re in it for the long haul. There is no such thing as a “starter wife” for example. Commitment means you stick it out even during the tough times. One of the biggest reasons my wife and I are still together, and very happy I might add, is because of our commitment to each other and our marriage. Divorce was really never an option. So we just worked through the rough and tough times. I wont lie to you, marriage is hard work! Anyone who tells you differently is selling something. There will be times that one or both of you will want to quit. But, if you are committed and work through it the blessings will far out way the hardship. Loyalty is similar to commitment. And it’s opposite is also apathy. Apathy is indifference. If you’re in a marriage you cannot afford to have apathy toward the institution of marriage or to your spouse. 

Love is Honor. NOT Dishonor:

Honor is often very misunderstood. It is similar to respect but also very different. It is of great value to those who have it and those who give it!  It is: “To reverence; to manifest the highest veneration for, in words and actions; to entertain the most exalted thoughts of.” To honor your marriage and your spouse is to give high esteem and reverence to each other. To have the highest thoughts of and actions towards. Therefore, you will never do anything to dishonor your spouse or your marriage. It takes self control and sacrifice to have honor. It does not give in to temptation. But withstands it to the end. As Christ himself withstood the temptations  of Satan. You must be a man or woman of character to have honor and to give it to another. It is to place nothing except God above it. When everything Is in its proper place, it is harder to get confused with misplaced loyalties. God, spouse, children. That is the order. 

Love is Respect. NOT Contempt:

The definition of respect is: “To have regard to, in relation or connection; to relate to. To view or consider with some degree of reverence; to esteem as possessed of real worth.” Therefore, you revere your spouse, you esteem him or her, you consider them of real worth or great value. You would do nothing to disrespect them! Contempt on the other hand is: “the act of viewing or considering and treating as mean, vile and worthless; disdain; hatred of what is mean or deemed vile.” In marriage there is no room for contempt! Instead, you place your spouse in a place of honor and reverence. They are your everything, so to speak. I often tease that I know everything and I can prove it. Of course people are very skeptical. But then I introduce them to my wife and say, “she is my everything.”  😉 I realize that I’m not whole without her. That was the point of marriage in the first place. God wanted us to unite with our spouse, with someone who had all the qualities that we do not. Man and woman are very different. To get them to unite in marriage takes an exerted effort. But it is well worth the joy that comes from that effort! 

Love is Sacrifice. NOT Unholiness:

Sacrifice is placing what you want now on hold for something of much greater value later on. It means putting your spouse’s needs above your own. It is making someone else’s happiness your top priority. Sacrifice is holy. Therefore, the opposite is unholy. A true marriage is a holy union. It is sacred to God and must be sacred to man and woman, husband and wife! It cannot be mocked by same sex marriage or any other perversion. A real marriage is full of the sacrifices of both spouses. But with true sacrifice, there is no resentment and there is nothing missing. On the contrary, both are very fulfilled! 

Love is Fidelity. NOT Infidelity:

Fidelity is a lot more than not having sexual relations with anyone other than your spouse. Although that is an extremely important part of it! It’s NEVER ok to commit adultery. Never! The definition of fidelity is: “faithfulness… Firm adherence to a person with which one is united.” That means faithfulness in thought as well as in action. It means not putting any other person or activity above or in front of your spouse. That means no emotional affairs. That means no fantasies of others no matter how those may look. One of the greatest blessings in my own marriage is the complete fidelity that my wife and I have enjoyed in each other. It gives us great confidence in each other and our marriage. Because we know that we are the most important person in each other’s life our commitment to our marriage and each other is much stronger. 

Again, Marriage is unity! That is and was the entire point of marriage in the first place. God married Adam and Eve to each other and commanded them to “be one”. You cannot truly be one unless there is complete fidelity in your marriage! There cannot be sexual infidelity, emotional infidelity, financial infidelity, or any other type in your marriage if you expect it to last and both husband and wife to be happy.

The amazing part of marital intimacy is that when it is done correctly it unites husband and wife emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. (See my blog on what sex was meant to be.) This is when they truly become one. There is no other way to unite in all four ways! In order to have this unity you must be 100% faithful. 

If your love for your spouse does not at least approach the pure love of God, it is not true love. Again, love is action! It is selflessness, commitment, honor, respect, loyalty, sacrifice, and fidelity. As you do these things you will find great joy in your marriage and in your spouse. It’s possible for every marriage. But it’s up to you and your spouse to make it happen in your marriage. 

(G. Dean Wessendorf – © 2020)

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