How to love others who live a life of sin without supporting them in that sin.
There is so much confusion today about how a parent should love a homosexual son, or a child, friend, or family member who has gone astray in any number of ways. Many refer to Christ and claim we must love as he did. I agree. However, in their trial they lose sight of how Christ loves. Therefore, I thought it prudent to share some truth and wisdom on the subject.
I recall a family thanksgiving when my wife and I had about 6 children where I said to my wife’s uncle; “I’m proud of my children. They are such good kids! None of them have disappointed us.” His response shocked me at the time. He said, “don’t feel left out, it will happen.” He couldn’t have been more correct. As all but one of our 10 children are 18 or older, most of them have done things that have disappointed their parents. Some have left the teaching of their parents almost completely and have caused us great travail. We’ve dealt with promiscuity, infidelity, pornography, children out of wedlock, and even a child that disowned us and wouldn’t accept any communication from us, including positive praise. Others deal with children on drugs or a child who acts on homosexual tendencies. Even others deal with a child who is confused about their gender to the point of committing sin. All of these things cause great pain for a parent! It also causes a great deal of reflection and contemplation on how to deal with the child when they choose to sin. Few of us get it right. Especially the first time around. But we can do better as we learn from Christ.
Too often there are two extremes that most fall victim too. 1) The extreme to disown the child or family member who is committing unspeakable acts. 2) The extreme to embrace everything the child or family member does and celebrate it with them. Both extremes are wrong and cause more harm than good. I’ve been guilty of #1. I have friends that have been guilty of #2. As we look closely to how Christ treated (loved) those who sin we begin to understand how we can treat (love) those we care about who have chosen a path contrary to the one Christ himself paved.
It’s important for us to realize that Christ “sat with sinners” but he did NOT sin with them and he did NOT celebrate and encourage said sin. Instead, he taught them truth and admonished them to: “go and sin no more.” Christ-like love is what we are all working toward. Charity is the pure love of Christ. As the scriptures tell us: “charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” (Moroni 7:45) Using this scripture as our guide we can discover how to love those who live contrary to truth without leaving truth behind.
So, we see that Christ-like love requires that we “suffer long”. This is hard doctrine and difficult to hear and embrace. However, as we realize that Christ himself suffered unspeakable pain for us – he suffered long, we gain perspective and understanding. No one will make it through this life without suffering. How we deal with that suffering makes all the difference. Much of the suffering referred to in this verse is the suffering brought on by the ones we love. The suffering we cause ourselves is often from sin. And that suffering can be eliminated through our repentance and application of the atonement of Christ. The suffering caused by others can too be eliminated by their repentance and acceptance of the atonement of Christ. However, when they choose not to repent, our suffering may continue. (On a side note, this means those who deal with same sex attraction or gender confusion certainly suffer with these challenges! However, God has also made it clear that giving into such feelings will cause more suffering in the long run.) So, when dealing with those we love who make sin a choice, it will cause us pain and suffering. That is the side effect of love.
Further we learn from this scripture that Christ-like love is: “kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil.” Frankly, these are the qualities I have the most difficulty with when dealing with gross sin. My go to is not always kind. Sinful actions often provoke me. And I have difficulty not thinking evil when I hear about those committing sin. Now, before you think too little of me let me clarify. This is where my natural man goes. But I’ve spent my life working to overcome the natural man. In fact that is the subtitle to my book: “Look Up and Live, The Pathway to Heaven, Overcoming The Natural Man.” This is one of the great reasons for this life experience – To learn to love our enemy. When I was young I never realized that my enemy could be those I love so dearly. But when they grossly sin, that is exactly what happens. They give in to the natural man. And we all know that “the natural man is an enemy to God.” (Mosiah 3:29) Thus an enemy to those who love truth and try to live by it. But Christ has made it clear that we are to love our enemies. Therefore, we are to deal with those we care about who’s actions are contrary to God’s will, with kindness; without envy or pride; without thinking their actions are about us; without being provoked; and without thinking evil of them. One of the challenges of many parents is to blame themselves or to think that the choices of their child is about them or a reflection of insufficient parenting. For me, I feel betrayed and mocked. Yet, as this scripture teaches us, these thoughts are contrary to Christ-like love. One of the reasons Christ and our eternal Father can love so completely is because they don’t make the sins of others their issue. (They don’t let their ego get in the way.) I’ve often wondered how they do this considering that Christ suffered for each of us and there doesn’t seem to be anything that mocks his suffering more than us knowingly sinning! These characteristics of pure love can be difficult to master. But they are expected of us if we desire to live with God eternally.
Now, one of my favorite parts of verse 45 is: “and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth.” The reason sin repulses us is because we rejoiceth in righteousness and truth. “TRUTH”! Truth is absolute. God is the author of all truth. Truth is what brings us back to God. Truth is what keeps us on the path. Truth keeps us away from sin. In fact, most of us cannot sin until we convince ourselves that we aren’t sinning. We have to lie to ourself. I have a friend who has a homosexual son. He has accepted the lie that God made his son that way. Therefore, his actions are not sin. But we know that God does no such thing. Certainly He knows what challenges we will have in life. But that doesn’t mean he makes us that way. In fact, that would be completely contrary to his nature. For God to make someone sin would be so contrary to who he is that he could not be God. It’s just NOT possible! But here is a perfect example of what we are talking about. When we are dealing with those we love we must have charity. And charity accepts and rejoices in truth and is repulsed by lies. Therefore, we must guard ourselves from accepting a lie while working through our own pain and struggle when dealing with a loved one who is sinning. We cannot take pride in sin! Charity does NOT rejoice in iniquity! Isn’t it interesting that the LGBT community actually uses the word “pride” to celebrate their sin?! They have a pride flag, and a pride parade, and a pride month. But to be proud of sin is to mock God. It is to mock Christ and his suffering in the garden and on the cross. And no one who has Christ-like love would mock Christ and his atonement by rejoicing in sin!
Finally, the last part of the definition of Christ-like love is: “beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” This means we accept and endure through the challenges of life. We believe truth. We live by faith and hope. Often the challenges we face may last a lifetime. (I’ve dealt with anxiety, depression, and PTSD for nearly 45 years.) The apostle Paul reported about a thorn in his side. One that never seemed to go away for him. Some who deal with homosexual tendencies may have those thoughts throughout their life even if they never act on them. Some of those who deal with wayward children may suffer throughout this life as well. The child may never repent in this life. But charity demands we do not give up. It also demands that we do not give in!
Remember the 2 extremes I spoke of earlier?
#1 = “giving up”. We just throw our hands in the air and say in essence, “I can’t or won’t deal with this. Instead I choose to walk away.”
#2 = “giving in” We throw our hands in the air and say in essence, “I can’t deal with this. Instead I choose to accept the lies.”
May we have the wisdom and character to never give up and never give in. May we seek for and live by charity, the pure love of Christ.
G. Dean Wessendorf